I've been looking at my life a lot lately and wondering how it can possibly get any more crammed full of stuff. I'm sure many of you reading this feel the same way. In the course of my day, there are so many things I wish I could be doing, but I find myself with so many "Have-to's", that I can't get to the "Want to's". This struggle makes a person like me introspective and evaluative. What am I doing? Where am I wasting time? What is important?
The problem is that I have come to the conclusion that it's all important! I can't delete my Mothering and household responsibilities. Someone has to wash, dry, fold, and put away laundry for 5 (but often, it feels more like 25). Someone has to pay bills, clean toilets, change diapers. It's me. I'd much rather spend my day at the piano working on songs, or soaking up the Word and writing.
Someone also has to learn to rely more on the power of God to maintain a positive attitude about the "have-to's" and that's also me. It does no good to anyone for me to get that disgruntled, entitled feeling as I'm making round 2 of breakfast for the day for little hungry mouths JUST as I had finally had a chance to sit down with my journal and Bible finally open, pen in hand.
I'm asking God to remind me daily that this is a season. A season of extreme maintenance and work. Some days, it's hard work. Some days, it's frustrating that I haven't even accomplished the "Have to's", let alone had time to think about the "Want to's." I am learning that there can be peace in the chaos. I have learned that it is necessary to mesh "time spent with God" into both the "Have to" column AND the "Want to" column. I can't get through the day in one piece without Him. It's non-negotiable.
And today, as I read Psalm 101 with a fussy baby who just had shots yesterday (and today a resulting fever) bouncing on one knee, a 4 year old at my shoulder saying "Mom, why, why, why..." I was able to block it out in the 30 seconds it took for these words to come alive off of the page. It was like God was saying "Here is what is important for you, Carrie Crawford, today, right now." And I think He wants to say these words to all of us. Here are the lines that jumped out from Psalm 101 and here are the things I WILL do with my life and with my time. Instead of getting so worked up about what I need to do, want to do, and the fear of failing to accomplish any of it,
I will sing of steadfast love and justice; to You O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house.
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.
The laundry pile may overflow, the piano keys may go untouched for the day, the dinner might not look like a magazine cover. But I am going to make these things of Psalm 101 happen. And I know He will help me.