Identity Crisis?

Hello friends. What on earth have I been doing all this time NOT blogging on here? You'd think I had dropped off the face of the planet. It's nothing quite that dramatic, I assure you. It's been a busy few months here at the Crawford house. We've had all the usual hustle of the holidays and a layer of general busy stuff on top of that. Plus, I have had the great joy and excitement of stepping in to some incredible songwriting. I have been taking part in songwriting coaching from Gabriel Wilson of Bethel Church in Redding, CA for a few months and my songwriting has shifted in to full gear. I eat, sleep, and breathe lyric and melody. I am totally diving in to this. It is where I belong- breathing in the revelation of God and breathing out lyrics and melody to capture and propel the response. Some unexpectedly incredible things are going on right now in songwriting world, but more on that some other time...suspenseful, I know.


I am reading a great book right now by Lisa Bevere called "Lioness Arising". There's a picture of an angry female lion stalking prey through some kind of tall grass of the African plains on the cover. I like Lisa Bevere's writing very much, but I was a bit leery of the content based on the cover. But it was 8 bucks, so I figured why not? Worst case scenario, I have a book with an angry lion on the front cover sitting on my bookshelf.


This book is ROCKING my world. And I am only on the third chapter. One page in particular is screaming at me. When a page in a book causes me to sit straight up, nearly gasping at the content, and I notice my heart beginning to hammer in my chest while at the same time hearing the whisper of the Holy Spirit saying, "This. You need this. Right here." I naturally want to see if it connects with anyone else. So, gentle reader, I'm just going to toss it right here for you to peruse. Maybe it's just a word for me, but I have a suspicion that this is a journey many of us need to start. Today.

With the birth of my son Arden Christopher (his name means 'fiery, determined, anointed one'), something within me shifted. Even though another child meant more of a mother load, I became a focused daughter. You see, like many other mothers, my God-connected self had been strained. I was almost at a point of drowning in my day-to-day life. I was so caught up with my ever-expanding and increasingly demanding to-do list, I'd forgotten who I was. I was full of self-doubt. My life was small, self-centered, isolated, petty, safe, and ineffective. I remembered my name, whom I was married to, and who my kids were, but what I did and who I was responsible for overshadowed my sense of being God's daughter. As I paused, God began to whisper strength to me and to call me by another name. To everyone else, I had a name that was attached to a job description. I was mother to my children, wife to my husband, pastor's wife to the congregation, but to God Most High, I was simply daughter. As I focused on just being His and what all that meant, life and strength flowed into my days, and rest entered my soul. My heart enlarged. (Bevere, Lioness Arising, P.10)

As I read this, it echoed some thoughts I shared with a dear friend of mine earlier in the day,

"What does God say about me? I think He sees a woman segmenting herself in all directions- His daughter who struggles to have a mind clear enough to hear from HIM. a Mom who just wants to raise 3 babies to know and love God, to be a good wife to a man who often proves he is a way better human being than I am. I want to do ministry well. I have huge dreams for my songs! I want to grow a garden. I want to keep a tidy house. Save money. Get in shape. Keep everyone fed and healthy. My plate is FULL! My mind is RACING! But God sees the heart behind it all- a daughter desperate to truly see Him and know Him."

We all have a variety of roles that we fulfill. That's not a bad thing. The bad thing is when we calculate our value through the lens of what we can do or how well we can do it. Because guess what happens when those things we can do are shaken in some way? Or what about when we fail in an area? When we can't decipher what our identity even IS anymore?

We feel of little to no worth or value to ourselves or anyone else.

This is not the way God intended.

It is time that we find our strength. Renew our passions. Dare to dream God-sized dreams. Step in to our destiny.

But the approach is not as active as you'd think. Yes, there is a time for the "doing", but the "being" is much more critical to begin with. You can't muscle your way through this life. This isn't a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of thing we're talking about here. You can't just fire off of the starting line without first having realized your only worth comes from belonging to the only One who is Worthy.

Your salvation requires you to turn back to Me

and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.

Your strength will come from settling down

in complete dependence on Me. -Isaiah 30:15

Settling down. Complete dependence. Being a child of the Most High God.

No striving. Just resting in His strength.

When you're tempted to look at all the ways you're sinking, arms flailing in the heaving depths of the ocean of not-good-enough, look to the One who calls out to the storm, "Peace! Be still!" and hear Him yelling those words not only to the storm surrounding, but also to your heart as you're holding on for dear life.

Yes, Lord. I am listening. I am captivated by Your grace and Your love. I am resting in Your powerful embrace. You are awakening me again to the powerful truth that I am Yours. Let hope arise.