How Am I Doing?

So here I am, two weeks and one day out from my double mastectomy. And the big question everyone asks is, "How are you doing?"

I am grateful. Just absolutely grateful.

This experience, though dreadful in some ways, has literally been life-saving. When I say "life"saving, I don't only mean physical. I believe this has and will continue to change me in about every way possible. I thought for sure that there would be this emotional dam-burst moment where I would deeply mourn the loss of my breasts and feel so very cheated. But it hasn't happened. In fact, just the opposite has happened. I look at the big angry scars running across my chest and I smile, knowing that I've won.

When I saw my surgeon for my post-op appointment, he said, "everything turned out looking good on your pathology report...well, except...one thing...when they tested the area of cancer, they DID find 3 small pockets of invasive cancer that were just barely starting to break out- all less than 2 millimeters. It was barely invasive cancer, but you absolutely chose the right surgery in this situation."

I think some people kind of raised their eyebrows when I told them I was having both breasts removed for a cancer that was non-invasive. Call it a "gut feeling" or "luck", I knew it was the right decision when I made it, because I instantly felt the peace that passes all understanding descend into my heart and mind. No one should feel peaceful about deciding to remove body parts...but God steers those who are open to suggestions and willing to believe that He can make all things new. I now know that it was absolutely the best decision. I had peace when I made the choice, and even greater peace now as I move forward, cancer-free.

Now I sit here counting down the hours (50) until I can get these final two drain tubes removed. They are part of the "dreadful" experience I mentioned earlier. I will be glad to not feel like I have tentacled grenades coming out of my body. Oh Thursday, come swiftly.

I feel like I have accelerated, healing-wise, in the last couple of days. I am not taking the heavy duty pain killers anymore, just Tylenol. I am getting loads of rest (thank you, Mother, for tending to my children...and she also makes the best hot tea ever...). And my husband has been way beyond supportive and accepting. We have pushed "in sickness and in health" to it's very limits this month. He's the same Jarrod. I'm the same Carrie. It's the same love we've always had, except, I think, exponentially stronger now.

So that's how I'm doing. I am undergoing reconstructive surgery in a few months. I have tissue expanders behind the pectoral muscles, and oh you had better believe that it is NOT comfortable. At all. I can feel the edges of the devices as my muscles go into spasms and grab on to them. It feels very foreign and at times, painful. I will begin having weekly fill-ups of the expanders and have heard that those fill-ups can cause some discomfort. But it's all part of the process. And so, with gratitude, I will go through a few months of inconvenience in order to be fully restored. God is teaching me so much about patience and waiting well and being intentional in noticing all the good that is coming out of what could have been a very bad situation.

All is grace and thankfulness precedes the miracle.

Thanks to all of you who have cooked, sent cards, prayed prayers, watched kids, raised funds. Our hearts are full.

Update-

Just a quick update- I know a lot of you have been asking what is going on and I thought it would be easiest to answer in one giant update.

First of all, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I had hundreds of people praying for me this week. I absolutely know without any doubt that your prayers were heard. I can't express how peaceful I feel. I have moments where panic starts to tighten it's hands around my neck, but all I have to do is pray. To whisper the name of Jesus. And the grip of fear loosens. Your prayers and encouragement have made all the difference. I would thank you all individually for the cards and kind messages, but there are so many of you that I don't have the time as of now with everything else going on to properly thank you. But know that I appreciate you all so very much.

Though I was really hopeful that I would go in and they would say the cancer had vanished, that was not to be. The cancer is early stage. It is small. But it is in an inconvenient spot. Meaning that a simple just-take-out-the-cancer-surgery is not a great option. I have had a lot of thinking and a lot of what-ifs going on in my head. But I feel like today I landed in a peaceful place. I still have some questions. I still have some concerns. I have an appointment today that should answer those. I am looking at a fairly extensive surgery in about three weeks (should know a specific date by week's end). Praying friends, I invite you in to this season of my life. Please continue to pray. Specifically, I want you to pray for the following:

- After the cancer is removed, the surgeon will be able to better assess it's behavior and will be able to tell if it is invasive cancer or not. At this time, they do not believe it is invasive (it is confined to one small area). PLEASE pray that this is reality- that it is confined and not invasive.

- Please pray for my family. My kids still don't know the details. They do know I will be having surgery in a few weeks. I want them insulated from all of this. But I also know there will be some harsh days ahead following the surgery. I won't be able to lift my little one up for several weeks (he constantly says, "mom, take me up" instead of pick me up...which I think is adorable). And I know it will be so so hard to not be able to do my usual mom stuff. Please pray for all of us to adjust and transition well and for all to stay healthy overall so that I have a smooth recovery process.

-Please pray for the surgeon, Dr. Povoski. That he would be guided by the very hands of God as he does his work.

-Please pray that I have opportunities to share my faith and to spread hope as I go through many appointments and such over the next several weeks.

- Please pray for a speedy recovery. I have huge goals and hopes to help others going through what I have gone through. My heart is full of a longing to serve and help others heal and find hope in the Healer.

- Please take some time to worship! Let's all thank God together for the way He is working this to my good.  Despite a cancer diagnosis, I can say, without question that He is a good, good God. He is a loving Father. I could not have made it through this so far without Him and know that His love will carry me through to my new normal. I have never been so devastated and yet simultaneously loved ever before. He is near. He is raising up all of these wonderful helpers and friends and family to pull me through this. Not only will I survive, but I will thrive. I am confident that this next season ahead is going to be incredible. I pray that God will let my life light up- that He will give me new songs to help people heal and see how faithful He is. I want all of this to point to God and for people to reach the conclusion that He not only exists, but that He cares deeply.

If you have a moment, read Psalm 34. It is my testimony. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+34&version=ESV

Thank you all so much for everything and I will keep you posted as time goes on.

Big Miracles So Far

Glory to God, I have been told that I have cancer.

How can a person be crazy enough to say that sentence? I don't know. I almost can't believe I typed it either. The rational part of my brain says, "No!" But my soul says, "Yes. Praise Him in all things. ALL things." I have been a worship leader in various settings my entire adult life. I like to think that it is my calling on this earth, to draw people into knowing and being known by the God of the universe. As I walk through this journey of cancelling cancer, I want to frequently put His miracles and His love on display on this blog and in the songs that I write. I have a few to share already and I only got my diagnosis yesterday...I have a feeling I'm gonna do a whole lot of blogging :)

Miracle 1: Songs of Comfort

As I entered the imaging center two weeks ago for a mammogram, I was feeling jittery. I am 35. I am happily married. I am a busy Mom. My whole life lies ahead of me, waiting. I do not have time for something to be wrong with me health-wise. I eased myself into a seat in the lobby and heard the song coming out of the speakers:

Only me, on my knees, singing Holy! Holy!

Somehow all that matters now is You are Holy! Holy! (Nichole Nordeman, boss song from like 1997 or something...) 

And then one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs:

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Ahhhh...I could relax now, because I was equipped with some songs to steady me. When I saw the nervous glances of technicians, I started humming, "somehow all that matters now is, You are Holy..." and when they brought me back to see a little spot that showed up on the mammogram, I sang "How great is our God" in my head. God speaks to me and through me in songs of worship. That those songs played in that moment, in that building, to me, was a miracle.

Miracle 2: This is Gross.

I don't even really want to tell the whole world this one, because, well, it's gross. I apologize. It is pre-geriatric oversharing at it's finest (as a good friend labels such discussions). It's nothing I am ashamed about, it's just a little personal. But you know, if you have the guts to read it, it makes for a really awesome part of the story.

So why did I even need a mammogram to begin with? Well, I was finding little tiny brown dots in my bra of some kind of fluid when I got back from California in late July. Concerned, I called my excellent OB/GYN doctor and she got me in right away and got this whole process rolling quickly (thank God for her!) So this brown dot business went on right up to the point of my biopsy on Monday of this past week and then? Disappeared. Not a trace since then. I was thinking the giant needle must have punched it out and cleared it up, whatever it was...but THEN the surgeon, when giving my results yesterday said, "That discharge you were having? We believe that was entirely coincidental and had nothing to do with this cancer. It was actually a blessing in the way that it warned us that something was wrong." And then he smiled and put his hands out and shrugged.

Coincidence??? That's Jesus. 

So those of you who may not believe a thing about this Jesus guy, and maybe some of you who do, may ask, Ok, so if this God of yours was brilliant enough to do a brown dot warning system in your shirt that ended promptly when the needed test was done, to warn you that something was wrong, then why do you even have a breast cancer diagnosis to begin with? How does that even make sense?

It doesn't. I have tried to figure it out. But I can't. So I won't. But I do know that the Bible says that Jesus healed the sick every chance He got. I know it says that by His wounds on the cross, I am healed. I know the Bible says that He has plans for me, for hope, and not for harm, and for a future. I know He said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart! Because He has overcome the world! This all leads me to the next miracle in what will surely be a giant list of them.

Miracle 3: Peace

I am not going to lie, I have these little moments of worry and irrational fear that keep popping up. But for the most part, I feel so much peace in all of this. Last night, I was starting to get a little upset, so I made my way to the piano and I sat down and started to sing. His presence met me there. In the night, I woke up and started to cry. Somehow, I said, "Come, Holy Spirit and calm me down" and there was instant peace and hope was restored. I even had a dream that there was a room full of people wearing scrubs and I still remember their distinct faces exactly, and one of the people in particular, wearing purple scrubs came over and just hugged me and let me cry into her shoulder for the longest time. Let me tell you. I will FREAK OUT if those faces were the faces of the medical team waiting for me at OSU. I kid you not. SO fun! 

Miracle 4: You

Finally, I have had such an outpouring of love and support. I can't ever get over it. I have had so many of you send messages that are absolutely perfectly timed and corroborate with what I have read in scripture just moments before, or heard in a song...it's like a giant web of encouragement, love, and peace is being spun all around me. Thank you. 

I had a fellow student from worship school at Bethel post a picture late last night that he took while there. Before I saw his post in the night, I had gone to sleep singing,  "Still Believe" by Kim Walker Smith. "Your blood, makes the deaf to hear, right now. Your blood takes away the curse, right now. Your blood, heals every disease, right now. Your blood sets the addict free, right now. And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever. And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me. 

And then I see the word "Cancer" on a canvas, cancelled by the blood of Jesus. The blood of Jesus...truly the greatest miracle of them all.

Here is the prayer that he posted for me on Facebook:
Jesus we command and declare the cancellation of cancer in Carrie's body. We command the nullification of every cancer cell, for it to shrivel up, die and disappear in the name of Jesus. We ask that your blood would wash over Carrie each night as she sleeps and that every part of her physical, mental and spiritual health would be cleansed nightly by you Jesus. Healing and Health in Jesus name!

Amen to that!!! Right??? That's "all" I have for the first 20 hours of a cancer diagnosis, but I am sure this is just the start of a huge testimony to the faithfulness and love of God. Thanks for reading and thank you for your prayers. 

Pushing Pause

Friends,

I hope your Summer has been wonderful. Ours has been extremely eventful and life-changing. I was blessed to spend two weeks at Bethel Church for WorshipU and thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. I am forever changed by all that happened there and hope to share some of it in bits and pieces along the way.

But first, I want to make you aware that I will be disappearing for a while. Going in to WorshipU and in the weeks following, I have come to the conclusion that life is really loud. There is so much distraction and so much noise. I had some really frustrating writer's block in the month or so leading up to WorshipU and so much of that was due to being really busy and losing touch with my heart. As I was immersed in the presence of God in those two weeks, the songs and ideas began to return at a steady pace.  Now that I am home, I am starting to see some patterns emerging again that are cutting off my creativity and just making me feel distracted. All that great togetherness we had as a family while on our trip has been chipping away as we've returned to our respective screens and devices. 

In order to combat this, I have prayerfully decided to go way under the radar for the next while. I have a time frame in mind, but it may change. No social media. Extreme modification of schedule. In other words, you may not see me, both on Facebook/Twitter, etc. and in person, for several weeks :) Don't be alarmed. I am not turning into a hermit up here in the forest. I just need to carve out some time to process and rest...to silence the inner critic within and to open my heart wide to Jesus. He, after all, was an expert of getting away to spend time with His Father.

And early in the morning, while it was still dark, He arose and went out and departed to a lonely place, and was praying there. ( Mark 1:35)

And immediately He made His disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side to Bethsaida, while He Himself was sending the multitude away. And after bidding them farewell, he departed to the mountain to pray. (Mark 6:45-46)

And when day came, He departed to a lonely place; and the multitudes were searching for Him, and came to Him, and tried to keep Him from going away from them. ( Luke 4:42)

But He Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray. ( Luke 5:16)

And it was at this time that He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God. ( Luke 6:12)

I'm looking forward to this time of worship and seeking God. A time of re-calibration. I am fully volunteering for greater intimacy with God- to be seen and known. In this culture of Facebook and texting and not seeing people eye to eye, I want to be intentional about being in the presence of God, seeing Him, hearing Him, and letting Him change my perspective and show me what's ahead. 

So, I will see you when I see you. Until then, I pray that you too might enter into a deeper place of seeking God. When He humbles us and shows us our need for more of Him, the best thing we can do is obey!

California, Here We Come

The countdown is on! Last year, I signed up for the Summer session of Bethel's online school, WorshipU. I went in to it very purposed and determined that I would pick up some skills to help improve and expand upon my songwriting, worship leading, and keyboard playing. While that did in fact happen, a process began in my heart that I didn't even realize I needed. A complete value shift began in my life:

People are more important than a final product
Process is more important than the destination
Heart is more important than talent
Obedience is more important than determination
Rest is more important than striving to achieve
Authenticity is more important than the appearance of perfection
Releasing outcomes is more important than controlling them

To put it a simpler way: more Jesus and His ways and less Carrie and her ways.

Going in to last Summer, I felt like I was at the top of my game. I had it all together. Success was being had. New ground was being exposed. Everything was ripe with possibility.

On the surface anyway.

It wasn't so much that I was willfully living in a skewed mindset. I didn't desire to be an overachieving, overly busy, driven, perfectionist bent on success no matter the cost. It was just sort of who I was at the time.

But God, in His mercy, and through a series of very calculated events, began to strip all that away. A transformation began that is ongoing. So when the opportunity presented itself to attend Bethel's Worship School in July of this year, live and in person, I knew in my heart that I had to be there. It wasn't even really a choice. It was like a command: Go. To. California.

This was back in November-ish. In the months that have transpired, it has become more clear in my mind than ever that God goes before us and prepares the way.

I don't just "want" to go to worship school now.

I NEED to. I HAVE to.

I went back and forth last November about whether or not we should make the long trip to Redding. but it was clear to me that it wasn't even really a choice. Sort of like when I, as a Mom, ask my kids to pick up their toys off the bedroom floor that I just cleaned previously. Yes, there is still an option to back out, but it's in the best interest of all involved to just obey. I couldn't even explain it to my husband Jarrod. I just said, I have to go to this and I don't fully understand why. And he, being awesome, said, ok then. We will.

I am expecting huge, huge, huge things. I feel an emptiness and hunger at this point in my life- more than ever before. And I think there is good reason for that. I am about to be filled.

So here we come, Redding. God has undeniably provided for us to not only allow us to go on the trip, but to go on the trip well. Everything is paid for. We have a sweet Sprinter Van travel machine that we bought that we're currently converting into a camper van of sorts for the trip out and back (it's our modern day Conestoga Wagon). Our kids (ages 2, 5, and 7) are excited for great adventures with their Dad (and Grandparents during week 2) during the day when I am in class. We are all excited. We are all dreaming. We are all preparing our hearts.

I don't even know what to expect. I just know that God told me to go. So we're going. So far, the timing and the provision have been absolutely stunning. I expect nothing less for the weeks that I am there, encountering His presence, receiving healing, and being transformed more and more into who He is calling me to be. And who knows...maybe I'll even pick up some skills for songwriting, worship leading, and keyboards while I'm there :)

What is God calling you to today?

Lent Day 16: Do You Want to Be Well

I've been thinking so much lately about gratitude. A thankful heart truly unlocks so much in a life. Let's be real for a minute though- life can really stink. We all go through seasons where we feel an increased pressure or tension- almost like the heavenly realms are waiting with baited breath as we make choice after choice- are we going to be victorious in this season? Or will be be defeated? 

 I have gone through kind of a weird season lately and as some things have been shaken up a bit, I've pressed in to the presence of God like never before. And He has met me, like never before. I would never wish a weird season on anyone, but to be honest, it's been kind of awesome in a strange way. 

Today, was a day when I needed to be reminded again about the way God makes Himself available to us. We have gone through some sleepless weeks here lately with a nasty flu virus wrecking our house. We've all been exhausted. We've been healthy for a couple weeks now, but yesterday, the familiar drip-drip-drip of the nose began. The littlest Crawford started running a fever. Strike One.

This morning, 3 more of us woke up with cold symptoms and are feeling generally lousy. Strike 2. And also, our toaster just loves to incinerate toast indiscriminately as of late. 3 burnt toasts. Strike 2.5

Noticing that my mood was starting to take a dive, I thought, I'm not going to cave. We just have colds and three burnt pieces of bread. This is not a crisis by any means. 

So we pulled out our Easter decorations and had a festive time decorating with bunnies, chicks, eggs, and flowers. In the bottom of one of the totes was a long, cylindrical jar with a cork lid that I have been looking for. I have wanted to make a "Blessings Jar" where we write daily something that has been given to us as a gift from God. I wanted to do this as a family to make my kids (and their parents) more mindful of the many good things that come our way each day- things of which we are not even aware. I had found my jar! I knew it was somewhere in this house. 

It was a little dusty, so I went to the sink to wash it. As I dipped it into the soapy water, I smiled, thinking of all the great experiences we'd have as a family, depositing our slips of paper filled with thanksgivings and blessings into the jar. And then, it slipped. The jar. It fell right into the edge of sink. And it shattered.  Strike 3?

Seriously? I mean...really? We're under the weather, our toast has nearly caught on fire 3 times today, and now this?

What did I do? I started to laugh. It may sound crazy. But it's true. The boys, looking on from the safety of barstools behind me, joined in. We were laughing at shards of glass. In my mind, I thought, Blessing #1 to go into a different jar some other time- Thankful for laughter even on days of snot, burnt toast, and shattered jars. 

I've been reading John 5 over and over the last few days. 

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades.  In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”

Of course he wanted to be healed! He'd been an invalid for longer than I have been alive! But Jesus asked. 

He always asks. Because there is always a choice. 

Maybe Jesus was asking a bigger question than what we see on the surface. Maybe what He was saying was

Do you seriously want things to change?
Are you ready to exchange what has been for what could be?
Are you sure you want to move away from this familiar misery?

Because, a whole world awaits beyond the side of that pool where the man had been laying and waiting for his healing. Things will be faster. Things will be more difficult. Life will happen.

Jesus asks us the same thing today. Do you want to be healed? Do you want to be delivered from a life of fear/worry/control/impatience/ingratitude/hurt/conflict/relational tension?

Sometimes it feels easier to stay where we are than to venture into what we don't know. Sometimes it feels good to wallow in our misery rather than accept that God has something greater. Those are the places where the enemy loves to breed selfishness and discontent and inaction.

If you really want to be healed, it takes laughing and choosing praise over defeat when the day goes crazy. It takes minute by minute choices to embrace God, to taste and see that He is good. This girl right here? She's not going to be moved very easily. She's part of the Kingdom that can't be shaken and a daughter of the King who holds those who put their trust in Him. Even through the snotty noses, burnt toast, and shattered glass. We live in hope that He will hold, He will heal, and He will strengthen us through our trials and difficult seasons to step in to the amazing things He has for us to do. Thank you, God, for being our strength and for opportunities to become strong. 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-11

Lent Day 8: If You Only Knew

My reading today was PACKED full of revelation. Oh, how I love when the Word proves itself to be living and active. It does, indeed, read me as I read it. So today I took a dive into chapter 4 of John- the story of Jesus and Samaritan Woman at the Well. A few verses really kicked me in the butt (in a good way.)

So maybe you have heard the context of the story of the Woman at the Well, maybe you haven't. If you haven't, a brief synopsis is that this Samaritan woman was getting her water in the heat of the noon sun because she did not want to be around other people. She was, in effect, hiding in plain sight. Her shame held her back from going to the well at the cooler time of the day in the morning, when all the other women would venture out to get their water. So here is a woman, full of shame, about to get rocked by the only One able to restore her. Oh, that we would be so willing to sit and chat with the Master at the well for a few minutes today...

In verse 7- Soon a Samaritan came to draw water and Jesus said to her, "Please, give me a drink." 

Verse 9- The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans. She said to Jesus, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan. Why are you asking me for a drink?"

Verse 10- (My favorite) Jesus replied, "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who I am, you would ask me, and I would give you living water."

What a response! And I believe Jesus says the same thing to you and me today. Like the Samaritan woman, (who, if you read on, can discover that she had been seeking joy, comfort, and identity in the arms of multiple men, rather than in the everlasting arms of a Savior) we seek to have our wants and our needs fulfilled in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. 

And Jesus waits patiently as we cower in our shame and live day-to-day with unfulfilled longings. We expect very little from our relationship with Jesus, so we get very little out of it. 

But what if...

We started believing that our God is who He says He is?

What if we were willing to leave our shame from the past behind and look forward to a future filled with His goodness?

What if we could drink from a well of neverending capacity and purity? 

Questions of identity, worth, and calling can be answered by doing three simple things as outlined in John 4:10:

- Recognize the gift God has for you and see Him for who He is.

- Ask Him for His presence and sustenance in your life.

-Position yourself to receive His living water.

All that we could ever need has already been paid for. We simply need to receive it. 

Come. He is waiting. If you only knew all that He has for you...