Escaping The Crappy Pit of Despair

Blame it on more snow days than I can count and the chaotic non-schedule life that comes with them. Blame it on the lack of sunshine and warmth and all things green and lovely in this Arctic wasteland we call Ohio. Blame it on lack of sleep due to a husband's aching tooth (which is now removed from his mouth, Thank. You. Jesus). Whatever the reason, the last couple days have just been crap. Complete crap. I know on crappy days that they're crappy, but there just isn't a thing I can think of to do about it.

But this morning, on the third dawn of crappiness, my son did the most brilliant thing. He opened my Bible that was on the counter and his little pudgy hand landed on Romans 8:18-21: 

That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

Word, son. Word. In reality, I'm just having a couple of tired Winter days. This is not a crisis by any means. But inside, sometimes we can feel crushed and angry and in despair for seriously no reason. We have to have the tools to get out of the pits that the enemy digs in front of us. All it took was the Word to start breaking in to my little pity party. Heavenly reality set me straight in the 30 seconds it took to read. The pit was exposed.  

Once in them, these pits must be scaled and avoided at all costs. Run away! After Romans 8 happened today, I started thinking about lies I have secretly agreed with. They are what landed me into this mess. The best way to rid darkness from the heart is to bring it into the light. Here's a great, practical exercise you can do if you want to get your heart out in the open, healing light of God. Make a simple chart. Like this:

Lies I Have Believed	What God Says About Me
My best days are behind me	"Behold, I will do a new thing!" (Isaiah 43:19)
I can't do anything well. I am taking on too many things and can't focus.	"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” (Phil. 4:13)
I am having surgery in 2 weeks. I will     be weak and scarred, ugly, and tired.	"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

Friend, you are too loved, too powerful, too important to go around with awful ideas and lies locked in your head, guiding your every move and thought. It's time to come into the light. I encourage you to break apart every lie and every stronghold in your heart with the Word. What lies are you partnering with right now? And most importantly, what does God say about you instead?

Have a good day. Mine is 100% less crappy already. 

You Let Me Catch My Breath

True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Psalm 23:3 (The Message)

   There have been times in the past year where I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. The weight of decisions, the paralysis of fear, the stranglehold of worry all threatened to choke the life right out of this girl. It felt like a sprint at times. One that would not afford me any breaks. So many nights spent wondering what was going on. So many desperate prayers that led to me melting into the arms of the Father as He calmed me. And He spoke these soothing and inspiring words :"Keep moving forward and I will heal your heart." 

The healing is here. Things that made no sense are starting to burst forth in full color. Where there was extreme, disjointed, misalignment, the pieces are all starting to click into place like cogs of a giant maze of gears. Forward motion is happening.

I couldn't be more moved, more thrilled, or more expectant. As I hit the one-month-until-my-final-surgery mark, I stand in awe of the way God has healed and restored me. He has truly given me months of much-needed rest, contemplation, and healing. He has taken what I thought I wanted and needed and replaced it with His dreams, His direction, and His plans for my life. He has let me catch my breath. I now feel like I am ready to move into the next direction. I've embraced the phrase, "When God closes a door, praise Him in the hallway." Well, the light on the other side of the darkened hall is starting to pierce through the cracks and crevices and keyholes.  I'm still not certain of exactly what lies ahead, but I know that "all the promises of God find their yes in Him. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory. And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put His seal on us and given us His spirit in our hearts as a guarantee." (2 Cor. 1; 20-22)

All throughout my life I have hit little valleys, where I huddled close to Christ and leaned upon Him until He cleared and leveled the path ahead. Usually, I didn't see His work until long after the fact as I considered, awestruck, how He perfectly orchestrated my coming and going. But this time, I can see it coming and I can see the pieces starting to click into place before my very eyes. I think the difference this time around is that I wasn't leaning into Him to get to the next step. No. I was leaning into Him to get more of Him. More of Jesus was my method AND my reward. And with a heart and body restored, and holding tightly to new promises, new revelation, new hopes and dreams, He and I step forward together with slow, steady breaths. He has set the course. The journey ahead will be carried out by only His strength. 

What shift is happening in your life right now? 

How are you being transformed?

Are you excited about the God adventure ahead of you?

If you're still in "the hallway", that's ok. Continue to lean into Jesus and stand firm on His promises for your life. If you're not sure what those promises are, dig into the Bible and mine them out. 

And remember, though we want greater vision and clarity for the future, the true reward and the best outcome of spending more time with Jesus, is spending more time with Jesus! The clarity you'll get is just a bonus. 

Be blessed, friends, and know that He not only HAS a plan for your life, but IS THE PLAN for your life. 

Big Dreams, Bigger God

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
I CAN do ALL things through HIM who gives me strength!  Phil. 4:13 (emphasis mine- we need to say those capitalized words with passion...it makes all the difference!)

It's a new year and a new chance to make some goals and some changes. I am currently mid- reconstruction following my mastectomy last Fall. I have my final surgery on March 11. After what should be a brief recovery, I can close this Breast Cancer Chapter. And move on. But move on to what? That is the grand question.

I do have a few ideas. They're crazy though. Ideas that a dish-doing, kid-raising, coupon-cutting Mom doesn't really have time or energy for...or does she? Well, this Mom does. I am declaring 2015 the year of Restoration. 2014 held too much destruction and change. I am tired of looking back and the only way for me is forward.

I am writing songs again. Songs that tell the story of a faithful God. Songs of healing and hope. I feel strongly in my gut that it's time to pound a stake in the ground and claim territory officially: I am a songwriter. I am a worship leader. These bring me joy and they are some of my biggest purposes on this earth. I feel like this is the year. It has all come to this.

I really, really, really feel called to make an album of my songs. Soon. As I have begun to research the costs, it makes my head spin. I could be discouraged. But instead, I feel almost giddy- like a journey is about to begin- I woke up this morning and spoke out loud to God, "I can't wait to see how You're going to do this!"

And so, I ask you for two things. Please pray for me. I believe God calls us all to specific things in specific seasons. I believe He equips and provides. He shocks us with His provision and wows us with His faithfulness. Yes. This is the God I know and love. So please pray that my faith is increased and that God opens doors wide.

Secondly, what dream have you stowed away in your own heart? What crazy thing have you pushed aside, thinking, not now or maybe even, not ever. Would you consider dreaming again? As I take the plunge, or maybe timidly stick a toe into the water, would you consider taking a step too? The world needs whatever it is God has planted in your heart. So let's be brave. Let's start using our what-ifs in a positive way. Let's not allow another year to go by as we wish. Let's obey. Let's dream again.

What has God called you to do? I'd love to hear about it, so comment below!

Christmas Is Coming: Don't Miss It!

Each year, I have a book that I fill with written memories and photos of our Christmas season. I came upon it the other day and wanted to remind 2-year old Sawyer of what our house looks like at Christmas time. I had been explaining to him the concept of the tree, but he just kept looking at me like, "A big, real tree? In this room? You crazy, Mama."

So I was delighted to find the book so I could show him. I opened it up and was initially very confused. The year 2013 was entirely blank. I had not written a single memory. I had not inserted a single photo. It was as though it never existed. I tried flipping around in the book, thinking maybe I had skipped pages and accidentally placed 2013's memories elsewhere.

Nope. Nothing. That's when I sadly remembered that I was a totally different person last Christmas. Busy. Stressed. Anxious. To-do lists for miles. Just plunging ahead as quickly as possible. So much to do, and so little time. Apparently, I had so much to do that I couldn't even fill in some blanks about our best memories...our favorite recipes from the season...favorite gifts and celebration details. I looked over the empty pages, both with a feeling of intense grief, but also with gratitude.

Because that used to be me. But it isn't me anymore. At dinner time a few nights ago, I was taking the time to listen to Cohen, my middle son, talk about his day, and I praised him as he shared something he was proud of from his day. "Mom, why are you so nice to me now?" I was confused- "What do you mean?"I asked, " I'm always nice to you." He replied, "well, after your surgery you have more time. Our family isnt busy anymore. And you're nicer."

I have cried many tears as I think about that interchange. It makes me feel like I wasted a lot of precious years before as I lived a busy, determined, fast-paced life. Yes. Many of the things I did were very important. They were life-changing things for me, and for others. But wow. What was the trade off?

But I can't sit here and be sad. It's Christmas time for goodness sake! But I have definitely heard the whispers of God- even way before cancer struck...telling me I needed to relax. To let things go. To prioritize. To stop trying so hard to be everything to everyone.

This Christmas season, I encourage you to stop. Think about what really matters. And then do that. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that looks at the precious opportunities God has put in front of you and, with gratitude and great discernment, choose what you invest yourself in carefully. Stop glorifying how busy you are. No one wins in that situation or lifestyle. In fact, suffering is a surefire result. God has put you in this time and in this place and with these family members and friends for just a short time. There will obviously be seasons of busy hustling, but if that's the only life you know, then you're not really living...you're surviving.

Don't let the season pass you by without even having time to jot down some memories or take some photos. Or naps. Or long walks around the woods in the snow. Take your time. Sit by the fire with your spouse and drink hot cocoa and play cards late at night. Do a fun act of kindness for a neighbor with your kids (we're doing this weekly and calling ourselves the Christmas Ninjas!) Carve out an hour or two a day to pray or sing to the Savior. This is the stuff life is made of. Jesus doesn't call us to be busy and operate at a breakneck pace. Over and over He says to rest. To wait. To abide in His love. This doesn't mean you're unproductive, it means that you haven't made productivity your god. It means you trust His timing and planning above your own and don't feel the need to constantly "make it happen."

And above all, when you slow down enough to see how awesome life is, give thanks. Chances are, you don't feel very thankful, because you don't even take the time to notice what God has given you. I used to be that person. But I thank Him that I am not that person anymore.

How Am I Doing?

So here I am, two weeks and one day out from my double mastectomy. And the big question everyone asks is, "How are you doing?"

I am grateful. Just absolutely grateful.

This experience, though dreadful in some ways, has literally been life-saving. When I say "life"saving, I don't only mean physical. I believe this has and will continue to change me in about every way possible. I thought for sure that there would be this emotional dam-burst moment where I would deeply mourn the loss of my breasts and feel so very cheated. But it hasn't happened. In fact, just the opposite has happened. I look at the big angry scars running across my chest and I smile, knowing that I've won.

When I saw my surgeon for my post-op appointment, he said, "everything turned out looking good on your pathology report...well, except...one thing...when they tested the area of cancer, they DID find 3 small pockets of invasive cancer that were just barely starting to break out- all less than 2 millimeters. It was barely invasive cancer, but you absolutely chose the right surgery in this situation."

I think some people kind of raised their eyebrows when I told them I was having both breasts removed for a cancer that was non-invasive. Call it a "gut feeling" or "luck", I knew it was the right decision when I made it, because I instantly felt the peace that passes all understanding descend into my heart and mind. No one should feel peaceful about deciding to remove body parts...but God steers those who are open to suggestions and willing to believe that He can make all things new. I now know that it was absolutely the best decision. I had peace when I made the choice, and even greater peace now as I move forward, cancer-free.

Now I sit here counting down the hours (50) until I can get these final two drain tubes removed. They are part of the "dreadful" experience I mentioned earlier. I will be glad to not feel like I have tentacled grenades coming out of my body. Oh Thursday, come swiftly.

I feel like I have accelerated, healing-wise, in the last couple of days. I am not taking the heavy duty pain killers anymore, just Tylenol. I am getting loads of rest (thank you, Mother, for tending to my children...and she also makes the best hot tea ever...). And my husband has been way beyond supportive and accepting. We have pushed "in sickness and in health" to it's very limits this month. He's the same Jarrod. I'm the same Carrie. It's the same love we've always had, except, I think, exponentially stronger now.

So that's how I'm doing. I am undergoing reconstructive surgery in a few months. I have tissue expanders behind the pectoral muscles, and oh you had better believe that it is NOT comfortable. At all. I can feel the edges of the devices as my muscles go into spasms and grab on to them. It feels very foreign and at times, painful. I will begin having weekly fill-ups of the expanders and have heard that those fill-ups can cause some discomfort. But it's all part of the process. And so, with gratitude, I will go through a few months of inconvenience in order to be fully restored. God is teaching me so much about patience and waiting well and being intentional in noticing all the good that is coming out of what could have been a very bad situation.

All is grace and thankfulness precedes the miracle.

Thanks to all of you who have cooked, sent cards, prayed prayers, watched kids, raised funds. Our hearts are full.

Update-

Just a quick update- I know a lot of you have been asking what is going on and I thought it would be easiest to answer in one giant update.

First of all, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I had hundreds of people praying for me this week. I absolutely know without any doubt that your prayers were heard. I can't express how peaceful I feel. I have moments where panic starts to tighten it's hands around my neck, but all I have to do is pray. To whisper the name of Jesus. And the grip of fear loosens. Your prayers and encouragement have made all the difference. I would thank you all individually for the cards and kind messages, but there are so many of you that I don't have the time as of now with everything else going on to properly thank you. But know that I appreciate you all so very much.

Though I was really hopeful that I would go in and they would say the cancer had vanished, that was not to be. The cancer is early stage. It is small. But it is in an inconvenient spot. Meaning that a simple just-take-out-the-cancer-surgery is not a great option. I have had a lot of thinking and a lot of what-ifs going on in my head. But I feel like today I landed in a peaceful place. I still have some questions. I still have some concerns. I have an appointment today that should answer those. I am looking at a fairly extensive surgery in about three weeks (should know a specific date by week's end). Praying friends, I invite you in to this season of my life. Please continue to pray. Specifically, I want you to pray for the following:

- After the cancer is removed, the surgeon will be able to better assess it's behavior and will be able to tell if it is invasive cancer or not. At this time, they do not believe it is invasive (it is confined to one small area). PLEASE pray that this is reality- that it is confined and not invasive.

- Please pray for my family. My kids still don't know the details. They do know I will be having surgery in a few weeks. I want them insulated from all of this. But I also know there will be some harsh days ahead following the surgery. I won't be able to lift my little one up for several weeks (he constantly says, "mom, take me up" instead of pick me up...which I think is adorable). And I know it will be so so hard to not be able to do my usual mom stuff. Please pray for all of us to adjust and transition well and for all to stay healthy overall so that I have a smooth recovery process.

-Please pray for the surgeon, Dr. Povoski. That he would be guided by the very hands of God as he does his work.

-Please pray that I have opportunities to share my faith and to spread hope as I go through many appointments and such over the next several weeks.

- Please pray for a speedy recovery. I have huge goals and hopes to help others going through what I have gone through. My heart is full of a longing to serve and help others heal and find hope in the Healer.

- Please take some time to worship! Let's all thank God together for the way He is working this to my good.  Despite a cancer diagnosis, I can say, without question that He is a good, good God. He is a loving Father. I could not have made it through this so far without Him and know that His love will carry me through to my new normal. I have never been so devastated and yet simultaneously loved ever before. He is near. He is raising up all of these wonderful helpers and friends and family to pull me through this. Not only will I survive, but I will thrive. I am confident that this next season ahead is going to be incredible. I pray that God will let my life light up- that He will give me new songs to help people heal and see how faithful He is. I want all of this to point to God and for people to reach the conclusion that He not only exists, but that He cares deeply.

If you have a moment, read Psalm 34. It is my testimony. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+34&version=ESV

Thank you all so much for everything and I will keep you posted as time goes on.

Big Miracles So Far

Glory to God, I have been told that I have cancer.

How can a person be crazy enough to say that sentence? I don't know. I almost can't believe I typed it either. The rational part of my brain says, "No!" But my soul says, "Yes. Praise Him in all things. ALL things." I have been a worship leader in various settings my entire adult life. I like to think that it is my calling on this earth, to draw people into knowing and being known by the God of the universe. As I walk through this journey of cancelling cancer, I want to frequently put His miracles and His love on display on this blog and in the songs that I write. I have a few to share already and I only got my diagnosis yesterday...I have a feeling I'm gonna do a whole lot of blogging :)

Miracle 1: Songs of Comfort

As I entered the imaging center two weeks ago for a mammogram, I was feeling jittery. I am 35. I am happily married. I am a busy Mom. My whole life lies ahead of me, waiting. I do not have time for something to be wrong with me health-wise. I eased myself into a seat in the lobby and heard the song coming out of the speakers:

Only me, on my knees, singing Holy! Holy!

Somehow all that matters now is You are Holy! Holy! (Nichole Nordeman, boss song from like 1997 or something...) 

And then one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs:

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Ahhhh...I could relax now, because I was equipped with some songs to steady me. When I saw the nervous glances of technicians, I started humming, "somehow all that matters now is, You are Holy..." and when they brought me back to see a little spot that showed up on the mammogram, I sang "How great is our God" in my head. God speaks to me and through me in songs of worship. That those songs played in that moment, in that building, to me, was a miracle.

Miracle 2: This is Gross.

I don't even really want to tell the whole world this one, because, well, it's gross. I apologize. It is pre-geriatric oversharing at it's finest (as a good friend labels such discussions). It's nothing I am ashamed about, it's just a little personal. But you know, if you have the guts to read it, it makes for a really awesome part of the story.

So why did I even need a mammogram to begin with? Well, I was finding little tiny brown dots in my bra of some kind of fluid when I got back from California in late July. Concerned, I called my excellent OB/GYN doctor and she got me in right away and got this whole process rolling quickly (thank God for her!) So this brown dot business went on right up to the point of my biopsy on Monday of this past week and then? Disappeared. Not a trace since then. I was thinking the giant needle must have punched it out and cleared it up, whatever it was...but THEN the surgeon, when giving my results yesterday said, "That discharge you were having? We believe that was entirely coincidental and had nothing to do with this cancer. It was actually a blessing in the way that it warned us that something was wrong." And then he smiled and put his hands out and shrugged.

Coincidence??? That's Jesus. 

So those of you who may not believe a thing about this Jesus guy, and maybe some of you who do, may ask, Ok, so if this God of yours was brilliant enough to do a brown dot warning system in your shirt that ended promptly when the needed test was done, to warn you that something was wrong, then why do you even have a breast cancer diagnosis to begin with? How does that even make sense?

It doesn't. I have tried to figure it out. But I can't. So I won't. But I do know that the Bible says that Jesus healed the sick every chance He got. I know it says that by His wounds on the cross, I am healed. I know the Bible says that He has plans for me, for hope, and not for harm, and for a future. I know He said that in this world, we would have trouble, but to take heart! Because He has overcome the world! This all leads me to the next miracle in what will surely be a giant list of them.

Miracle 3: Peace

I am not going to lie, I have these little moments of worry and irrational fear that keep popping up. But for the most part, I feel so much peace in all of this. Last night, I was starting to get a little upset, so I made my way to the piano and I sat down and started to sing. His presence met me there. In the night, I woke up and started to cry. Somehow, I said, "Come, Holy Spirit and calm me down" and there was instant peace and hope was restored. I even had a dream that there was a room full of people wearing scrubs and I still remember their distinct faces exactly, and one of the people in particular, wearing purple scrubs came over and just hugged me and let me cry into her shoulder for the longest time. Let me tell you. I will FREAK OUT if those faces were the faces of the medical team waiting for me at OSU. I kid you not. SO fun! 

Miracle 4: You

Finally, I have had such an outpouring of love and support. I can't ever get over it. I have had so many of you send messages that are absolutely perfectly timed and corroborate with what I have read in scripture just moments before, or heard in a song...it's like a giant web of encouragement, love, and peace is being spun all around me. Thank you. 

I had a fellow student from worship school at Bethel post a picture late last night that he took while there. Before I saw his post in the night, I had gone to sleep singing,  "Still Believe" by Kim Walker Smith. "Your blood, makes the deaf to hear, right now. Your blood takes away the curse, right now. Your blood, heals every disease, right now. Your blood sets the addict free, right now. And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever. And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me. 

And then I see the word "Cancer" on a canvas, cancelled by the blood of Jesus. The blood of Jesus...truly the greatest miracle of them all.

Here is the prayer that he posted for me on Facebook:
Jesus we command and declare the cancellation of cancer in Carrie's body. We command the nullification of every cancer cell, for it to shrivel up, die and disappear in the name of Jesus. We ask that your blood would wash over Carrie each night as she sleeps and that every part of her physical, mental and spiritual health would be cleansed nightly by you Jesus. Healing and Health in Jesus name!

Amen to that!!! Right??? That's "all" I have for the first 20 hours of a cancer diagnosis, but I am sure this is just the start of a huge testimony to the faithfulness and love of God. Thanks for reading and thank you for your prayers.